My First Christmas Without My Beloved Mom

I decorated this year for Xmas and did it like I always do. This is the first year without my mom. For sixty-five Christmases my mom has always been here.

And there were only a couple to times I did not come home. I remember when I was living in Spain I even came home for Christmas. Oh and I was so sick, I probably had pneumonia and when I got home I took to bed for a couple days to recover from the trip home and then to get well. I might have had just a cold or something, bronchitis maybe, and I remember being on the plane sitting by the window swigging cough medicine and listening to Rocio Jurado on my big cassette player.

So my mom passed away in September on Labor Day. It was a quiet passing, she just stopped breathing. One moment she was here, the next gone. My mom, my mother, my companion and best friend. They say that caretakers form a special bond with the parent and when they are gone it is especially hard.

So for 15 years my purpose in life was taking care of my mom. And now I look for another one and have not landed yet, and maybe I never will.

I have a photo of my mom by the bed that I look at and kiss every night before I turn the light off. That is the last thing I do. It’s a photo where she is looking straight at me, a little smile, a knowingness and self-possession. There is a depth to her gaze and a warmth and love that emanates from it. It is comforting to me so see here face and that gaze. The last thing I see of the day. And how long will I do this? I don’t know.

Can’t imagine living so much longer, many many years longer without being with my mom. Strange. My Vedic astrologer in India says I will have a very long life. My mom lived to 103. Hm…

So I got the tree and at first I thought I would not go all out with the decorations. But as I put up the tree and put on the lights and all the ornaments my mom used to carefully unwrap and set out for me to put on the branches, and as it started looking more and more beautiful I thought, well, heck, you know, why not pull out all the decorations. And in honor of her and her life do the house up big.

So I did.

I enjoy decorating and creating so it was especially psychologically beneficial to me. I don’t feel that sadness so much that you hear about when a person loses a loved one and the Holidays come around and it’s especially depressing.

Yes, I miss my mom so so much, but I still have a sense of joy in the celebration of Christmas and the celebration of a wonderful life that my mom had and the wonderful mother she was.

The house looks beautiful and I believe my mom is here appreciating it all.